Shamrock Football Club Senioren - SC Dow

Match Report: SC Dow vs Shamrock Senioren – As Told by Bob Mortimer

Well, folks, gather 'round and let me tell you about the absolute bonkers football match between SC Dow and Shamrock Senioren. It was like watching a game of footie played in the Twilight Zone—if the Twilight Zone was full of yellow cards and a fella named Maksym who apparently thinks he's the reincarnation of Pelé.

So, right off the bat, in the 7th minute, Matthew White of Shamrock decided to introduce himself to the referee with a lovely little clothesline. The ref, bless him, wasn't having any of it and whipped out the yellow card quicker than you can say "dangerous play!" 

Then, in the 19th minute, up steps Maksym. Now, this fella's got a right foot like a magic wand. He lines up a free kick, curls it round the wall, and bang! It's in the back of the net! The SC Dow keeper was so flummoxed, I reckon he thought he was watching one of those YouTube tutorials on "How Not to Save a Free Kick."

By the 34th minute, our man Maksym decides he’s going to try his luck again, but this time with a tackle that even an octopus would call overzealous. The ref, still on high alert from earlier, gives Maksym a yellow card. Now he’s in the book too, and Shamrock’s collecting yellows like they’re going out of fashion.

The second half kicks off, and who do we see? It’s Mitch from Shamrock, who clearly thought the best way to start things off was by putting a SC Dow player on the floor. Another yellow! This game’s turning into a Hall of Fame for yellow cards.

Then, in the 52nd minute, Maksym, not content with his earlier brilliance, pulls out a thunderbolt of a left-footed shot from outside the box. The ball's flying toward the goal like it's on a mission from the football gods, and it nestles into the bottom left corner. 2-0, Shamrock, and Maksym’s already planning his victory dance.

But hold onto your hats, because just two minutes later, he does it again! This time he strolls into the box, probably whistling a jaunty tune, and slots the ball home for his hat trick. If you’re keeping count, that’s three for Maksym and about ten for Shamrock’s yellow-card collection.

And then, out of nowhere in the 65th minute, Matt from Shamrock scores a goal. Now, when I say scores, I mean the ball sort of hit his foot and decided to go into the net. The look on Matt’s face was priceless—like he’d just found a tenner in an old pair of jeans.

By the 77th minute, Darren fancied a bit of the action. He charges through the SC Dow defense like a bloke who’s just spotted the last sausage roll at Greggs, and smashes it past the keeper. 5-0 to Shamrock, and the SC Dow defense is left scratching their heads, wondering if this is really happening.

And, as if the day couldn't get any madder, in the 83rd minute, Maksym pops up again. Hugo flicks a cheeky little chipped pass to him, and there he is—cool as you like—chests it down and volleys it home. It's like poetry in motion, only the kind of poetry you'd write after a night out.

Final whistle blows, and it's 6-0 to Shamrock Senioren. Maksym’s off to write his autobiography, “How to Score Four Goals and Still Get a Yellow Card,” while SC Dow are left wondering if they’ve wandered into the wrong pitch. What a game, what a day!